I am (Not) Chinese

"Oy ni hao.."

Most of the time, most of the Asian people will try to speak Chinese to me. It does not matter how I act like I don't understand, they will keep asking me questions in Chinese. Well, to be fair, my dad is fluent in Chinese (Mandarin), so yes I can pick up and understand some words but that doesn't make me Chinese. I experience that a lot since I live abroad. Are they wrong? Of course not.

Even when I lived in Indonesia, sometimes it happened to me as well, being "Chinese" wasn't that easy. Not gonna talk about the "Chinese Massacre" in 1998 in Jakarta.

Growing up, I was in a school that the majority are Chinese people, but I cannot be living underneath the pork-wings forever, no? Once I have a lot of (they-said) Native Indonesian friends, things weren't the same. I have to learn a lot of things to have good relationships with them. Are they wrong? Neither - they were just trying to figure things out that older society taught us too, just like me.

The thing is.

There is some reason inside my heart that tickles me every time people "consider" me as Chinese. This is a very personal thing, and I would like to share with you - because why not - so this can hopefully inspire some people who experience the same thing.

I am NOT Chinese.

Throughout the years I play with makeup, I can change my face to any persona that I wanted. It was so much fun to express my creativity with makeup. But it just changed my outer appearance. I still the same Gita inside. I reflect many things that happened in the past, the cultural rejection was actually building a wall that unconsciously makes me "mad" whenever people labeled me "Chinese". 

when I was so tanned lol

Trying to look like Kendall Jenner
Video tutorial please visit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cpccdNVxUA

Grey lens made me look a bit Caucasian lol kidding
Video tutorial visit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIyUEXZNz7I

More of this makeup story: https://www.rheagita.com/2017/04/wardah-one-brand-review-and-tutorial.html

There was a long battle inside my mind. My kuai kuai wolf said that I should be understanding, people always see from the appearance and bla bla bla. But my bad wolf was not happy at all, remembering the hard times my family used to experience due to this unfortunate racist thing.

I mean, I don't wanna blame anybody or anything, whatever happened in the past, we have to forgive right :)

I am happy God is always here taking care of and protect my families, it's more than enough.

Oy, don't be too serious ah, life is hard edi, take it easy kay XD

Anyway, moving on, I am asking myself again, why. Why I felt uncomfortable with the "label" even tho I have no grudge against the past?

And I think I knew. This crossed my mind like a tornado. It's triggered by the Wuhan Coronavirus that started in China this past month. For sooooo long, I have some (you-can-say) oddity with those real Chinese people. Like I can't comprehend why they did what they did.

For example, they've been eating weird animals for ages ago including shark fin, selling synthetic food, and so many unpleasant behaviors they did as tourists (littering anywhere, cannot queue, rude, and sometimes racist too).

I just feel so sad. Maybe I was angry because I don't want people to see me like those people, while actually, I have SO MANY Chinese friends that are nice, adorable, and well-mannered. It's just people, form any country or any race, they have some that are twisted y'know. I cannot judge because it is NOT my job. 

But God is good all the time, He whispered to me (again). 

"Oy you no syukur I made you like this leh, remember those people love you, don't be bitchy you can or not?" (I mean, if God speaks Singlish to me, I will be always laughing).

I saw a barongsai. Yes, a dancing lion - that always perform around Chinese New Year. I saw them dancing in Vancouver, in one spot in the middle of downtown. It was just two of them, dancing with the beat of the drum, and some people surrounded them while recording. 

I realized, Chinese New Year makes me missed home so much.

I spent my second Christmas and New Year abroad without my family. I didn't really feel homesick, I called them with video and shared happiness online, it was fine.

But this time, I am so overwhelmed by this homesick feeling, how I wish I was at home, dressing up for the Chinese New Year. Help my dad cook for everyone that would come to our home, collect angpao, and tease my silly nieces/nephews... Once a year, we get to gather all of us as a family and spend the day together, and I am so thankful for those moments.

Barongsai or Lion Dance

I laughed at myself. I don't want people to label me, but I also labeling myself. Maybe I should say too that I am (not) Chinese, I am Indonesian that decide to live in Canada.

I can't choose how I look like or my family or the country I born at. I mean, if I can choose, I am thinking about Mars lol.

I just gotta embrace all the things I am. Forever I am grateful for myself, my family, friends, culture, hometown, and everything in between.

After the simple dancing lion performance on the street, I called my family, say "Gong xi fat chai!" and maybe I should actually continue to learn Chinese soon too! 

So I hope this revelation of mine can also "speak" to you who might feel similar to this issue. You are what you are, beautiful and wonderfully made. There is no label that could describe you (maybe except female/male lol).

Anyway, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR everyone! Whatever you are, I just greet you this, and hope all the best thing in life for you! And let's pray that the Coronavirus spreading will stop very soon!